Eileen O’Halloran, of Irish-Catholic extraction, was born in South Canterbury, New Zealand. She avoided joining the convent, a common vocation for young Catholic women of the 50s and 60s. Instead, she embarked on a teaching career that culminated in Rarotonga. When she returned to New Zealand - and perhaps a residual effect of the island life that had "got into her blood" - she fell pregnant to a Samoan man. A single palagi mother of a Pacific daughter, Eileen reflects on her journey…

I was born in Timaru and we lived there, near Caroline Bay, for four years. We then moved to Invercargill, a place I loved, for a year where I started school. I hated moving to Temuka for four years and never liked it. It was like living in Northern Ireland - amongst the schools anyway. There was a lot of jeering and taunting between the schools. I was very glad to leave there at seven or eight years old.

We moved to Christchurch when I was about nine and it was lovely. Still in Catholic schools I never really mixed with anyone else. When I went to Teachers Training College it opened my eyes to other religions and ways of thinking.

We were all very naïve in those days - the 50s and 60s. We were never taught to think for ourselves but to obey and have faith. Certain girls were chosen by the nuns as having a vocation to be a nun. My sister already was one and I began to think I should become a nun too. Maybe I thought that I could hide from some of my problems in the convent, cover myself up from head to toe and not have to worry about my looks.

For some reason I had a strong desire to serve God in the Missions so I applied for the SMSMs who had a mission in Samoa. Thank God they turned me down and suggested getting my teachers certificate first. I sort of felt I’d been let off; it was such a relief. I went to Teachers Training College and loved it and loved teaching too. I taught around the North Island, travelled around Europe. I came home when things went wrong – I had lost my home, job and boyfriend all in one day.

I couldn’t settle so applied for VSA through the Church and went to teach in Rarotonga for a year. Some awful things happened to me there, partly through my ignorance and lack of any real knowledge of the people. But overall it was a wonderful and beautiful experience. I never felt so close to God and to evil at the same time – a bit like the Garden of Eden.

When I came back I was still affected by the Rarotonga experience and missed the tropics and the music. When I saw an ‘Island Night’ advertised I really wanted to go but didn’t know anyone to go with. My mother was working at Towel Supply and knew someone there who arranged a blind date with a Samoan relative who hadn’t been here long. They warned me to be careful, I wasn’t, and in a week I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it had happened so fast. I couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol as that night I didn’t feel like drinking. It was very embarrassing and shameful.

All my life I’d felt the worst thing in the world was to bring a child into the world without a father; by that I mean without being married, in a stable two-parent relationship. I’d let everybody down but mostly I’d let my child down.

My mother said I should marry him no matter what. I tried but after three months I knew even God was telling me not to. We would have been really bad for each other. At least he never suggested an abortion. He tried very hard, but when I was certain of the other women he had been with, I was really angry. I didn’t want him near me or the child.

When Danielle was about three I had a real religious awakening and consequently forgave her father. We eventually reconciled and we visited on birthdays and Christmas every year. It wasn’t easy for any of us though, as he had two other children. Danielle found it a strain as she was brought up quite differently and none of us really knew each other. It got better as she grew up and I’m so glad she had those times with them before her father died.

We didn’t know much about the Samoan culture until Danielle started learning about it herself, and eventually through ‘Daughters of the Pacific’. I couldn’t really comment about the culture before this because Danielle would say that nothing is like living it, that I’ve never been in her skin. The only way I could relate was knowing what it felt like to be a minority white person, in a Maori society, in Rarotonga. There, I felt I was the only one and that I wasn’t quite as good.

Just as the Irish society here is different from that in Ireland, the Samoan society in New Zealand is different from being in Samoa. I always found the Irish community here to be austere and not much fun. But when I went to Ireland it was fun, wonderful, rich and there is a great community spirit. Much of that was lost when the Irish came to New Zealand. Danielle’s father, in wanting to become European perhaps didn’t hand over the beauty of his culture to his family either.

I felt like an alien in New Zealand and I think if you feel this way you need to go back to where you come from, back to your roots, and find something about your ancestry to help understand yourself. I’m so glad I went to Ireland or I would never have started growing up. I’m sure when Danielle eventually gets to Samoa she will be enriched by the experience.

There was always a sense of conflict for Danielle. She would look at me and not see herself. However we do have similarities in expressions and feelings. She is also very like my mother in looks and temperament, as well as being like her father.

Danielle was with her father when he died. During the latter part of this life he had a week where he was free of pain and felt extremely well. He told me how grateful he was that his wife and I got along and thanked me for everything. He died the next day. Danielle was 22. She sang Amazing Grace with his family around his bed at his death. I was there too. It was really amazing.

Looking back Danielle’s conception was the end of an era of a lot of bad things for me. It was kind of ‘meant to be’, a chance to change my life. I realized being pregnant and not married is not a huge thing either. Even Mary, the mother of Jesus, was a solo mother and pregnant before she married and that made me feel better.

The strange thing is I never have been to Samoa even though I had wanted to when I was younger. Instead my daughter was born Samoan and she will go there one day. I’m sure her life will be fruitful in many ways that will also be helpful to the society of the future.

Ever since I was a child I wanted to be an artist. My particular passion is painting; it is like a prayer to me. If I’m feeling really depressed about something I’ll paint it into something positive and it actually happens. I have used this gift many times in the stressful times of Danielle’s pain, which in turn was my pain too. Even today painting helps me to cope and also to create, which for me is very healing.

I look now at the fruits: Danielle, her partner Matt, and their two darling little boys - my grandchildren. It has been an amazing journey so far. Looking back and seeing how far we’ve come gives me great hope for the future.